Before you suggest that I try psychotherapy while he attends anger-management  classes, let me explain that he is not the yell-at-a-cab-stealer type. He’s not  even your ordinary make-a-fuss type. A documentary filmmaker who gets his fill  of tense situations all over the world, he’s always telling me, the hothead,  “Let it go.”

But on this night four years ago, I was nine months pregnant and feeling  sick. I had been waiting for a man with a small dog to exit the cab when a woman  hopped in from the other side. Everyone–first me, then my husband, then the man  with the small dog–explained that I’d been waiting. She shrugged. We pointed  out my pregnancy, in case she was blind in both eyes or just thought I was  overweight in a way that looked exactly like being pregnant. She said she didn’t  care. That’s what set him off. It was as if a pressurized chamber in his  brain–one that had remained sealed through a decade of New York City’s bad  subway commutes and mouthy masses– finally blew. He cursed. He told her she was  selfish and pathetic. There was even something that sounded like growling.

The woman refused to leave, and we took the subway home. But I didn’t feel as  sick anymore. In fact, I was giddy. My husband, from whom I’d never seen even a  flash of fury, had gotten angry in public. I had no idea he could do that! What  else could he do? Rescue puppies from burning buildings? Stop criminals with his  laser eyes? The laundry? For weeks afterward, I was filled with weird,  choked-up longing whenever I saw him. I rubbed my belly and thought, Kid,  you have no idea who your father is, as if I’d somehow spawned with a  superhero.

Here’s the thing about settling into long-term love: It’s a little sad that  you’ve passed the “can’t wait to see you tonight” stage, but you’ve also made it  through the “struggling with the newness of this thing” stage. Your 22-year-old  self would be shocked by how much you’ve come to prize simple reliability in  your relationship. But sometimes the butterflies still show up at the weirdest  moments, cutting your breath short and reminding you why you chose your partner  in the first place–or, even more exciting, giving you a new reason to love him.  For Anna Block, it happened most recently when she and her husband of five years  were cleaning up after dinner: “We were talking about something banal when he  turned to me and said, ‘You really are my best friend.’ And then I just felt  this rush.” Says PR executive Jennifer Foley Shields, “When my daughter was  moving from the infant room to the toddler room at day care, I caught my husband  giving her a pep talk at breakfast. He explained that some of her friends who  had moved earlier might not seem as friendly at first. ‘But you’ll learn the  ropes,’ he told her. It was so sweet–and so unexpectedly attractive.”

While conventional wisdom tells us that these pulse-racing moments are  trivial little extras in the grand scheme of things, it turns out they’re  actually critical to a happy relationship. “Most research on long-term  relationships has focused on conflict,” says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., the author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to  Great. “But studies suggest that boredom may have just as big an impact  on happiness over time.” Orbuch and a team of researchers did a 16-year study on  123 couples who were married in the same year. Couples who reported being bored  at year seven were more likely to be unsatisfied by the end of the study than  the couples who’d had similar levels of conflict but low boredom.

So what can you do if you think the crush is completely gone? Experts and  regular ol’ partnered-and-happy people have lots of advice on how to bring on a  hot spell. First, simply try seeing your husband through other people’s eyes,  says publishing exec Jennie Tung. She’s been married for eight years, and says  discovering that her husband’s coworkers think he’s a rock star triggered a  Belieber-caliber infatuation. “After a year at a new job, he told me he was  happy with the annual review his coworkers had given him, so I asked to read  it,” Jennie says. “As I pored over the seven-page document describing him as a  brilliant businessman, a person with ‘intelligence, integrity, and grace,’ I was  blown away. While we’d been muddling through the day-to-day minutiae, he’d been  quietly kicking ass at work. Seeing him in this new light put me a bit in awe of  him, and it’s lasted.” Sadly, most of us don’t get a written report of our  husband’s virtues, but the next time your friend says, “You’re so lucky to have  a guy like him,” really take in her reasons, and celebrate them.